Bard, Know Thyself

Disclaimers: This story contains material of a sexual nature. If you are under 18, you only have permission to read this if a parent is standing there reading it with you. This story uses the characters Xena and Gabrielle (and Argo) without permission from MCA/Universal. Universal and Renaissance Pictures run an incredible Action Pack, but they could really have a better method of selecting authors for their official Xena novels. The official Xena novels by Ms. Howard and Emerson do not even approach the quality and emotional intensity of the best that Internet Xena fan fiction has to offer!

Note: This comedy follows the 3rd Season episodes "Warrior..Priestess..Tramp" and "The Quill".

Xena pushed her way through the brush, happily swinging her kill back and forth as she made her way through the moonlit night. That's one owl that won't be disturbing my sleep again, she thinks to herself as she returns to her small campsite. Not wanting to wake Gabrielle (who could sleep through anything), she used several of her many skills to approach the camp without disturbing her.

As she approaches, she peers over the fire to give a lingering glance at her bard. She certainly will love to have this owl after all the fish I caught, Xena grins to herself. Then she frowns. Putting down her owl, she looks closely at Gabrielle's sleeping form.

Gabrielle appears to be thrashing under her blanket, as if beset by an awful dream. Poor dear... Xena thinks. This year's been so hard on her... Perhaps I should comfort her... she decides as she steps around the campfire.

"Ohhhh..." a low moan escapes from Gabrielle, making Xena wince in concern. As she approaches her bard, Xena sees that her blanket has ridden up past her thighs, probably from the nightmare. It is then that Xena sees what all of Gabrielle's motion is about.

"Oh!" Xena blurts out loudly in surprise, forgetting her stealth for the moment. "Gabrielle?" she asks. The bard stops shaking.

"Do you mind?" Gabrielle says edgily, apparently quite awake.

"G-Gabrielle, are you alright?" Xena asks, concerned and now confused. "What are you doing?"

"Knowing myself." Gabrielle answers simply.

"You're what?!" Xena snaps, staring at her companion in the flickering firelight.

"I'm knowing myself." Gabrielle repeats, turning to glare at her. "Do you mind?"

"I'm sorry.... I-I didn't know." Xena stammers as she finally realizes what Gabrielle was doing. Xena feels herself blushing a bright crimson in the darkness, and suddenly glad Gabrielle can't see her face.

"Do you want to talk about it?" Xena asks uncertainly.

Gabrielle whips her blanket around and covers herself completely. "Maybe in the morning." the Bard says edgily. "For now just go to the other side of the campfire like you always do and go to sleep." she adds, shutting her eyes deliberately.

Xena stands still for a long moment. I really made a mess of things this time... she winces to herself. She backs away without turning and gingerly steps over to her sleeping blanket on the other side of the fire. Then she realizes what her companion had said.

"Like I always do??" Xena repeats.

"Look." Gabrielle curtly calls out over the fire. "If I don't finish my meditations, I tend to get a little cranky. So lay off, will you???" she emphasizes, hoping to shut the warrior up. "Count Chakrams, or something."

At that, Xena curls herself into a little ball and, calling on one of her many skills, wills herself to sleep.

The Next Morning...

Xena paces back and forth, wondering what she is going to say to Gabrielle. Kings, warlords, monsters, and gods she could handle. But what could she say about her bard touching herself?

Glad you got a handle on things? she thinks ruefully to herself, shaking her head. Need a helping hand? And let's not forget: Just what have you been doing since Perdicus died, hmmmm?

"Xena." a small voice says behind her, making her jump.

"Oh! G-Gabrielle..." Xena begins stammering again. "You, uh, startled me."

"Uh huh." the bard responds, an eyebrow raised. "Look, Xena, I..."

"Gabrielle." Xena insists, cutting her off. Then, drawing a deep breath, she looks at her friend again. "I want you to know that I could never be disappointed or embarrassed by you. Whatever you do in private is your business, and none of my affair. If you need some space, I'll give it to you."

None of your affair? Gabrielle simmers to herself.

Xena was surprised she managed to get all that out, and was feeling a sense of relief. It was then she noticed Gabrielle's darkening expression. She decided to try again.

"Is it about Perdicus?" she prompted, searching Gabrielle's face. "I never asked about your wedding night, but I know how hard it is to lose someone that you..-"

Xena stopped as she saw Gabrielle's eyes watering. The bard's expression curled into pain as she returned Xena's gaze. "You..." she managed before turning angrily away from her, breaking into a run away from the warrior princess.

"Gabrielle!" Xena called out after her, exasperated. Now what have I done?

Gabrielle stopped at the sound of her voice, and turned.

"You...Fool!" Gabrielle shouted, her fists clenched, and then ran through the trees.

Xena sighed. She decided to let her go, and busied herself with dousing the embers of their campfire. Maybe when I'm done I'll know what to say to her. Xena thinks to herself.


"Don't you get it?" Gabrielle nearly sobbed. "It was you I was fantasizing about. You."

Xena smiled condescendingly at her. She cupped Gabrielle's cheek with her hand, and was startled at the longing reaction it induced in her bard. "My my my..." Xena mused. "If I had known you were that lonely Gabrielle, I'd have done something about it."

At this Gabrielle pulled away, her expression becoming livid again. "If you had known?"

"Uh huh." Xena nodded, wearing an expression of blissful bemusement.

"I-I, I don't believe it!" Gabrielle said in exasperation. "How many hints have I given you? How can you be so dense?!"

"Hints? What hints?" Xena asked innocently, ignoring her bard's insult.

"Uh-G-gubba..." Gabrielle sputtered as she tried to recall all the instances where she tried to flirt with Xena. "You-Your many skills! Our baths together! My helping you off with your boots! My 'do-anything-for-the-warrior-princess-haze'! YOUR HICKIES!!! -pant pant pant-"

"Oh, that..." Xena sighed, brushing her hair back to feel along her neck. "I thought you were just having a nightmare about Bacchus again."

"This is a nightmare!" Gabrielle sobbed, clambering to get up, only to have Xena make her sit down again.

"Alright." Xena admitted defeat. "What do you want me to do?"

"Do?" Gabrielle asked, her eyes becoming hopeful. "I want you to feel for me... the way I feel for you. Is that too much to ask?"

"So.... You want me to feel for you, do you?" Xena coyly asks, her hand reaching for the hem of Gabrielle's fighting skirt. She fiddles with it for a moment before giving up. "What the Hades--?!" Xena growls irritably.

"Sorry!" Gabrielle apologizes. "It flapped around so much last year that I pinned the whole thing down." she adds, undoing all the pins and loosening the folds of her skirt.

"You were saying...?" Gabrielle asks with anticipation.

"Mmmmm Hmmmm." Xena murmurs as her hands slide up Gabrielle's thighs, bringing the younger woman's skirt apart.

At last! Gabrielle thinks to herself, exulting in the long-awaited sensation of Xena's touch.

That Evening...

Xena whips her sleeping blanket out next to their newly-lit fire. Gabrielle retrieves her blanket from Argo and carefully walks over... to the side of the fire opposite from Xena.

"So how did you like my... special touch?" Xena demurely asks, unlatching the clasps of her armor.

"Oh, it's wonderful Xena!" Gabrielle happily responds, then adds, "But surprising."

"You mean you thought I was going to..." Xena trails off, removing the rest of her armor.

"Yes!" Gabrielle finished for her, blushing a bit. "I had no idea you were going to press my points... Down there."

"Mmm Hmmm." Xena murmurs. "It's not so bad, once you get used to not having a sex drive."

"And the clarity of thought!" Gabrielle wonders aloud. "I feel so much freer now. Thank you, Xena. How long have-Ay-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi-Yi!!!!!"

Gabrielle clamps her hands over her mouth, looking around nervously. Then she slowly lowers her hands.

"Oh, I forget to tell you..." Xena quietly chips in. "That's one of the side effects of pressing those points."

Gabrielle's eyes widen in wonder. "You mean...your battle-cry?"

"That's right." Xena affirms, chuckling. "That's where I get it from, among other things."

"Other things?" the curious bard asks. "What other things?"

"Oh...." Xena ponders, lying down. "Well, with all that energy no longer squandered on hormones, you can do all sorts of things. It's what Lao Ma taught me."

"You mean like jumping 40 meters straight up in the air?" Gabrielle asks, snuggling into her blanket. "Firing several arrows at once from a harp? Kicking a dozen thugs in the groin before the first one falls? Beating up Ares? Those sort of things?"

"Like I said..." Xena yawns, "I have many skills. Now go to sleep."

"Right with you... partner." Gabrielle murmurs as she drifts away to Morpheus, and dreams of cherries and nutbread.

--- The End ---


If you know or suspect someone of engaging in self-abuse, do not attempt to press their points as Xena is depicted as doing here. Xena is a trained expert, so do not try this at home.

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